I don’t think anyone talks about how one day you wake up and you realize that you are out of that dark place you were in. How it takes one small thought to make you realize how far you have come. To be able to reflect on it, and not spiral again. It’s so easy for us to forget what we go through and try to focus on where we are now or where we are headed. Trust me, I am the world’s worst, especially when I am knee deep in something. I have waded the trenches just like many of you who may be reading this. I have fought tooth and nail to get to where I am. I have fought silent battles, cried all the tears, and weathered the storm. But thankfully, I didn’t do it alone. While my physical flesh and satan tried to tell me or make me believe this, my spirit knew I was not alone. I had God. Wow, those three words alone are so very powerful. I have been through some very deep stuff and have been to the point of not feeling that I was even worth being here. I have made all the mistakes and hurt people both knowingly and unknowingly. I am imperfect and made of flesh. This past year alone, I have had more people than I can count tell me how much I have grown up, matured, how I am not timid anymore, and even how I sound differently. My life is far from picture perfect, and I still am battling things on a constant basis, both spiritually and physically. But, with all these things came growth. It’s taken some hard moments, some pressing, and a lot of pressure (isn’t that how diamonds are made though?) to get to where I am. While I may still struggle daily and feel like I am drowning with mundane things in life, I am still here and I am still fighting. I continue to get up, I continue to be a wife, and I continue to be a mom. I feel as if I struggle with all these things so very much. I beat myself up constantly about it. Mom’s guilt is the worst guilt. But you know I also have found that since I have been spending more time with God, God has granted me more peace in these areas. Do not get me wrong, I am far from perfect, life gets busy and I forget to pray like I should. But God tends to make time for it. Like right now, in the middle of the night, while all is still and quiet, here I sit. These are the times that I really feel like I feel God the most. When my mind is not busy, when life is quiet, and I feel as if the world is asleep. I aspire daily to be a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend. But life tries to mix these priorities up and has a way of trying to get your focus off them all together. But even when I feel like I have miserably failed, God’s there. He meets me where I am, picks me back up, and loves me right where I am. He loves me even in my worst moments. I don’t think I could ever even fathom the way that God loves us until I had my own kid. No one prepares you truly, for the amount of love you will have for them. When I found out that I was pregnant with my sweet blessing, I thought I loved her as much as one could. As the pregnancy progressed, my mom looked at me one day and said “you think you love her now, just wait until you see her. You don’t know yet how much love you will have for her.” I brushed this comment off and thought that’s silly there’s no way I could love her more than I already do. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong. I will never forget when I had her and I saw her for the very first time, I cried. I literally sobbed. I felt like the grinch when his heart grew three sizes. Even writing about it now, I literally have not forgotten that moment. It was a catalyst in my life honestly, both physically and spiritually. I am a hands-on and experienced based learner, and I honestly think that is why it resonated so much for me on a spiritual basis. I think this is why I truly was able to even remotely understand the love God has for us. Yes, I know we cannot truly fully fathom God’s love for us, but it did make me understand it more. Now, I understand why he is patient with us, why he forgives so many times, and how vast a love like that can be. I understand grace and mercy better. I understand how proud He must be when we do get it right and I understand the pulling when we don’t. I don’t think I have ever been able to accurately voice this until now, nor have I completely put it all together. But God has a way of giving us the big picture when we need it most.

I have also found in my life that I have always felt like I have become so emotionally attached or carried such a heavy load with other people. I guess the best way to explain it, is it’s almost like I make their problems my problems. I carry the weight (I honestly don’t know if this is the most accurate way to describe this, but it makes sense in my head) of their problem or trial. Then I either feel an overwhelming excitement if things go well or an astronomical heaviness if it doesn’t. I tend to push my own self to the back burner a lot, but especially in these situations. I almost act as if my life doesn’t exist and theirs is the only thing that matters. I used to be that way to an extent that I honestly found was unhealthy. I have learned that it’s great to be there for others, but I have also learned that I cannot fully take on someone else’s things. As a wise lady has told me, “we all have out own bag of rocks to carry.” While I do understand that this is part of my calling, God also wants me to be whole to be able to pick up the extra. See I am learning that I am doing it in all the wrong ways. I must let God fill me first before I can pour out anymore. I must stop taking on so much and let God help me to take it on. I must ultimately take it to God. I must stop trying to carry so much weight by myself. That is the reason that I found it so unhealthy. It was unhealthy then because for one I didn’t understand and for two, I was trying to do it on my own. I found myself so incredibly lonely during this time and instead of going to God, I coped with all the wrong things. I tried to numb the pain, loneliness, and weight with alcohol…newsflash, it did not disappear. Instead, it left me feeling like poop but was right back the next morning. It also almost cost me so much. Here I am being personal, and airing my dirty laundry out, but this is the real me. This is the person who has made so many mistakes but not let them stop her. Without God, I truly am nothing. Without God, I would not still be here, nor would I be where I am today. I own up to the things of my past, and while I am not proud of it, it ultimately helped to make me into me. I am still going to make mistakes, fail, and at times hurt people, but that’s because I am human. But I also know that with God, I can be better and do better.