I got personal in the previous post. I fail as my own human self. I have remained quiet about my past and really now feel like it’s the right time to talk about it openly.

I cannot begin to express how imperfect I really am. How I have had people realize that I really did fail in the different ways that I have. How it was almost as if I could truly sense their disbelief and disappointment. But like I said before, I will own up to my mistakes. Honestly, it is going to come out, so why not be the one to admit it. I have used this a lot in life. I have owned up and let things out prior to anyone even finding out. I have not always been perfect about this, and those times costed me a lot more problems than my own self misery in the end. I have done things that have costed me friendships, material things, and even time with God. It’s easy in these moments to seclude yourself and to try to run from it, once again…it doesn’t work. I hated myself for years over mistakes I made. I have even realized the full magnitude over some of the things I did that negatively affected others. I have lost sleep, not eaten, and even, like I mentioned previously, numbed with alcohol. I have even been guilty of trying to make myself the victim in a situation of a problem I caused. Actually, writing that out, makes me feel even smaller about it. Don’t get me wrong, I have been in some situations that I truly was the victim, but there are some that I in fact was not really a victim, but rather getting the repercussions of my actions. In those times, I did not see it, but I definitely deserved what happened. Our words can bring life, or they can bring curses, and I admittedly not always brought life with my words. We all do this, it’s not uncommon and definitely not our most shining moments. But once again, God has a way of restoring what we have cursed. He, in fact, restores it tenfold. I am also so glad of forgiveness. Both from God and from man. God has restored things that I never even thought was possible, and I wholeheartedly am glad that He has. I have seen friendships, marriages, and pretty much too many other things to list restored. I am blessed because I know God and He blesses me. He is the only reason that the things or people I have wronged, have been mended in some way. It is so easy to get caught up in your fleshly feelings and this is where that all starts. This is where I have made some of my biggest mistakes or shortcomings, however, you want to say it. Something I will admit I am still actively learning to do, is to go straight to God with all these fleshly feelings. I have been notorious for acting upon them, instead of allowing God to help me sort through them. When I take them to God, I am learning that I do not truly feel the need to act the ways that I have in the past and I am also truly practicing patience. I also am truly seeing that I do not have to fight my battles alone. Nor do I need to seek vengeance, when I feel as if I have been wronged. Whether I am wrong in feeling like I have been wronged, or whether I am right, God takes it. Disclaimer, I still struggle in the moment, but God knows and knew that I would. Once again, this is a time where I am granted forgiveness. God knew the battles I would face, just as He knows all of yours as well. So, with that all being said, you have to cut yourself some slack. This is something that I am learning daily. I am learning that I will never be perfect and that in fact is ok. It really is ok to not be ok sometimes. However, you cannot stay there in that pit forever either. Thank God for pulling me out of those pits time and time again. Thank God for rescuing me in my darkest times and for loving me despite my imperfections.